Dangerous Items
Oct 20th, 2006 by Michael Max
The Chinese post office is rather like a game of Russian Rolette, but instead of getting a bullet in the brain, you get agonizing bureau-babble.
It’s never the same. It’s a particularly Chinese kind of torture.
Sometimes it’s the return address.
“You wrote an American return address, you need a Chinese address.”
“I don’t live here, I live in America, that is my return address.”
“But, if the package is undeliverable, it must be returned to China.”
“I don’t live in China. If the package is undeliverable to my business, I want it sent to my home.”
“It must be a Chinese address.”
“And if don’t write a Chinese address?”
“mei ban fa”
–mei ban fa– literally translates as “nothing to be done about it”. But, it also means “I’m too lazy to help you”, “You bother me, so piss off”, “I don’t know” or “I don’t care”
Receipts.
Always bring receipts.
They are checked on a random basis, like in the States at the airport then they randomly decide to unpack your suitcase at the insecurity checkpoint. No receipt, no give you mail to foreign land. Mei ban fa.
Newspaper.
It would appear that there are important State secrets contained thereon. Don’t wrap anything in newspaper, it will be confiscated at the post office by patriotic blue shirted workers that are generally dull of eye, unless they see you trying to seek newspaper out of the country.
Dangerous objects.
Last year I found the Chinese peasant Swiss army knife. It’s missing the corkscrew, scissors, bottle opener. In fact, it only has one blade, but is comes wrapped in a lovely brass case, that shines up nicely in the pocket and feels smooth as stone in the hand.
I bought up a bunch of them last week in Yangshuo.
Today after looking over each and every one of my books on Chinese medicine with a raised eyebrow and the look of “I know you trying to put something by me, a foreigner could not possibly really be interested in this stuff”. Miss inspection xiaojie opens up my little bag of knives and jumps with the expression as if she opened a bag of snakes.
“bu xing, bu xing”, no way! You can’t send these, these are Dangerous Items.
One point two five inches long, I’ve carried one on Chinese airplanes. Well, not in my pocket, I was told to put it in my day bag by the security guy. And leave it there for the duration of the flight.
Ummm, these are going by boat to America. They will be in this box devoid of newspaper and with the suspicious medical books. I don’t think they will cause a problem.
No way, get those things out of here. You want them, take them on the airplane when you leave.
Oh, that’s a brilliant idea. You can’t even take a goddamn bottle of water on an airplane out of here.
Let me make sure I understand, this box it goes on a boat with a few sailors. My suitcase goes on an airplane with a few hundred people. Where’s the sense in that?
“Regulations”
Yes, regulations, we can all feel safer now.